I take a deep breath......one of hesitancy, and yet one of quiet urgency.
My heart has been terribly sadden over the story of Brittany Maynard, who plans suicide to end her life.
But more than her decision, it has been the media presentation that has grieved my heart. A video beautifully presented.....soft soothing music, atmosphere, all the subtle persuasion that says this is heroic and right.
I've thought a lot about it. I'm not a brave person. I don't like pain. I cannot comprehend facing suffering.
I know that I'm not unique and that I'm extremely blessed. I don't have to look far to see others around me who carry far heavier burdens and who suffer greatly.
As the weather changes, the leaves fall, and stores begin to stock their shelves for the holidays, my mind cannot help but remember how last year about this time Jon and I were about to embark on a journey we could have never imagined. One we would have never chosen.
My precious Jon was about to descend into the abyss of suffering. Doctor visits, specialists, ER'S, hospitals, surgery, ICU, critical care, sepsis, and pneumonia.
Even though I've never witnessed a man with more courage and strength, those long long nights of suffering will forever be seared into my memory. How clearly I remember one night, when Amy came to relieve me for a few hours, how I lay on my bed, as tear soaked my pillow. My heart was broken. I couldn't rest. How could I? How could I take solace in sweet rest when my beloved could find none? I remember crying out to God during the darkest of nights. And yet.....Jon's suffering continued.
Watching my dear one suffer, drained me physically and emotionally. And yet....who would know? Who could imagine? How could I have known?
"Jesus, Lover of my soul....let me to Thy bosom fly..."
How could I have ever known that "Jesus is the Lily of the Valley!" had we not descended into such depths?
Had someone tried to tell me that Jesus would be there, that God would ALWAYS BE ENOUGH....my faith would have failed. Without any intention of scoffing....my faith of THE MOMENT could not have possibly grasped it.....
That God is already in our tomorrows! That God's Presence will inhabit our days.... that as our days shall demand it....His Grace shall ever be!
No...I'm not "super spiritual." I'm not someone special......only to God.
I end this by saying.....I'm just ordinary....serving an amazing God.
What does tomorrow hold? Would I choose to end my life, rather than accept this wonderful amazing grace?
The journey of this past year has proven over and over that I can dare to trust this loving God, who chooses my path, marks my days, and orders up exactly what only He knows is right and good for me.
If only Brittany could know Him!